Short Attention Span Reviews

Reviews of a single song by a band. All songs taken from the AMP sampler from the Apr/May issue:

1. Goldenboy "The Challenge" - If I played a round of "What would you rather do" with myself, 'Take a shit in your pants, then sit in a late 70's model Cadillac with all leather interior with all the windows rolled up in 90 degree heat for 45 minutes' would be completely tied with 'Listen to an entire Goldenboy CD.

2. A Wilhelm Scream "Famous Friends & Fashion Drunks" - Fast melodic punk with gruff vocals in the vein of HWM and Avail. Not bad, but I'm not sure why anyone besides Frat boys listen to this shit anymore.

3. Autopilot Off "What I Want" - Ahhh yes, music that gives homosexuals a bad name. For people who think Three Doors Down is too hardcore.

4. Here Kitty Kitty "Lucy Grey" - Grrrrrl Rock. I wasnt aware girls still made music like this. Sounds exactly like an old Tuscadero song. It's pretty good but I wouldn't openly advertise being into this.

5. A Jealousy Issue "Whoe Crucified The Chaperone" - Wow. It's like some dude showed a bunch of pop punk jerkoffs some metal riffs and showed them some pictures of metal being played, but didnt let them listen to any metal. This is beyond garbage. If you're over 15 and male and caught listening to this you should be viciously stabbed. Only the second band ever to win a coveted "worse than Atreyu" award.

6. Stereotyperider "Jumping Someone Else Train" - I remember this not being bad, but nothing i'd normally listen to. Cant remember what it sounded like though. ill be damned if im moving three feet to put the CD on either.

7. The National Acrobat "The Raleigh" - I think the only band I already knew of off this. This is one of the better TNA songs. Probably in the top 3.

8. The Beautiful Mistake "This is WHo You Are" - I assume shitty singers start all these bands that require lots of singing, but the singer cant actually sing. Thats why they dont get kicked out. Music is like being masturbated with sandpaper.

9. Killing The Dream "Picking Up The Pieces" - Kind of like if Shai Hulud played more straightforward shit. It sounds like that Another Breath band Kyle played me. I think they're on the same label actually. I can imagine Kyle and people resembling Kyle to be into this.

10. XlookignforwardX "Tuning You Out" - Theres no reason for a band this generic to have such a weak guitar sound and still get national exposure. It sounds like these dudes coudlnt even headline locally. What the fuck are they doing on this? Terrible.

11. Bottles & SKulls "Black Wedding" - I liked this a lot. The singer sounds like the dude from the b-52s if he had a G0th effect on his voice. The music is real old and retro creepy sounding. Kind of like TSOL without the punk rock. I'd actually like a copy of this entire CD.

12. The Green Goblyn Project "The Blood SPattered Bridge" - Man, AFI gets big and these horror punk bands pop up everywhere. I dont know, i fucking hate AFI, so fuck these guys too.

13. 100 Demons "Time Bomb" - I will admit this sounds about a gazillion times better than they do live, but they're still BROing it down pretty hard on this. Normally I wouldnt mind this, but the same people who are into this are the same people who make fun of me for liking Hatebreed, so fuck everybody.

14. Unearth "Black Hearts Will Reign" - Theres a bunch of loosely related metal parts and a chug breakdown. Thats like Unearths whole career. I have nothing else.

15. Kilowatthours "King" - This is that emo type music no one plays anymore. I cant really hate onit because its refreshing after hearing bullshit like The Starting Line. The singer need to give Jeremy Enigk his voice back though.

16. Audio Karate "Jesus is Alive and Well" - While I do commend these guys using a band name that should be reserved for bad college joke bands or bar rock douchebags, they're still one duet with Santana away from being the next Matchbox 20. There is nothing punk rock about this shit at all.

17. The Weight "Dragged Back In" - oh boy, an alt country. Thats the second one ive been tricked into listening to this week.

18. Black Cross "Roll Up Your Sleeves" - You know, I can live more comfortably knowing the dude from Endpoint will be singing in some sort of band until the day I die. I mean, not only was I alive when Endpoint wa sa band, but I was into hardcore, and right now that seems like 30 years ago. Even BTGOG seems like ancient history. I dont know. this is more shit that doesnt sound like Endpoint.

19. The Matches "Chain Me Free" - Sitcom Punk. If you like other underground punk bands like Sugar Ray and the composers of the theme music to Dawsons Creek, you'll be into The Matches. Why dont you go ahead and throw a toaster into a bathub full of water and jump in while you're at it.

20. The Start "The 1234" More Grrrrl rock. Unfortunately, this sounds more like that last Tuscadero record which wasnt too good. I still would encourage girls to listen to this over that fag metal shit.

21. Caffiends "Proximity Effect" - Wow, by the name i figured pop punk and by the promo shot i figured bowling team, but these guys fucking pound. It's like if Early Cave In decided not to be metalcore and play more technical noisecore instead. I knwo its hard to imagine, but this one song rules. I'm hopign all their shit sounds like this. Highlight of the CD (besdies Bottles & Skulls)

22. The Gamits "Dotted lines" - forgetable punkish rock music. I forgot already.

23. J Church "Keep Smiling America" - J Church has been a hardcore accepted indie rock band since i was a little kid. He still does music im not into, but i definitely give him credit for doing the same music for longer than most of these new kids knew this music existed. The only reason hes not poontang famous is because he's ugly and ethnic. Damn shame.

GTS 25

For those of you who are reading this that are complete strangers and have no clue who I am (I promise I'll write a formal introduction soon), I used to do a website called Get The Strap. The site got shut down and I can't afford shit these days and have no drive or motivation to put it back up. Me and my writing partner, Jay Pud, used to make these lists. Well, we made all kinds of lists. Here's a new one we made. It's the top 25 songs for Makin' Sweet Love. We use a complicated voting method which usually fucks up the entire list and the whole thing would probably be better if we fixed it so we could plan out our punchlines a little better, but then it wouldn't be REAL.
Anyway, this is definitely not the best list we've ever done. It's not even close. A lot of it has no direction, but there's a few shiny, shiny flashes of brilliance here and there (Jay's Journey review) so it's worth a read.
Finally, and this is very important, so I hope oyu're reading this part, I decide to change every instance of the word 'Fuck' to 'Fish'. I'm not sure why, but it seemed funny at the time. I probably missed one or two, but hey, I'm not getting paid for this.

GET THE STRAP'S TOP 25 SONGS FOR MAKIN' SWEET LOVE!!



25. New Edition - Candy Girl

Mike Dikk: Although some might argue that this song is a bit up tempo for Makin’ Sweet Love, those people didn’t compile this list. It’s definitely not a slowjam and can probably be interchangeable with a few other New Edition songs, but I think this list wouldn’t be complete without a New Edition song. A good song to Make Sweet Love to in the summer after a day at the amusement park winning giant sized stuffed animals that are possibly bootleg versions of Disney characters for your very own special Candy Girl.

Jay Pud: When I think of this song, I think of Selma Hayek in Dogma. When I think of Selma Hayek, I think of Makin’s Sweet Love. I figure playing this song is much more polite than printing up a copy of Selma Hayek’s face and taping it over your girl during sex. Outside of that, it’s always good to start with a song that gives praise to the female, and this is perfect-not too aggressive like Wrex N Effex’s “Rump Shaker,” and not gay like that Body is a Wonderland bullshit. It’s a happy mix.

24. Tiffany - I Think We’re Alone Now

Mike Dikk: While Debbie Gibson was more about partying and dancing, Tiffany was into causing weird feelings in the nether regions of impressionable girls and boys. She did it the old fashioned way too. Through music. Not like those sluts Brittney Spears and Christina Aguilera that throw their titties all over the place. This is a great song to Make Sweet Love to or to stalk someone. Or for an ironic 80’s party with you and all of your douchebag friends. This list is about Makin’ Sweet Love though, so let’s forget the other two things I mentioned.

Jay Pud: Sometimes I like to snap my fingers. Sometimes I like to dance. Sometimes I like to do both while Makin’ Sweet Love, and when those times come I pop some Tiffany into my tape player and live it up. Tiffany was a good girl, with a bad girl edge. She wore lots of denim, and lots of make up, but deep inside she wasn’t the calloused bitch that she appeared to be. She wanted to get close to someone…she just wanted to be alone. This song actually stirs up many emotions because I, like Tiffany, often find myself on the run…hiding from the ridiculers of love-desperately seeking a safe haven where I can make out with my New Kids on the Block action figures. Is that so wrong?

23. Mad Cobra - Flex

Mike Dikk: Just listening to this song for the write-up made me want to Make Sweet Love to the closest orifice (that doesn’t belong to me, pervert) or hole that I could find. ‘Flex’ oozes Sweet, Sweet, Sweaty Lovemaking dipped in honey and maple syrup. You can’t avoid getting into the mood while listening to it. A surefire way to get the panties off…or just get laughed at maybe, because it’s not the early 90’s anymore. It’s a sad state of affairs for the music industry when most of these songs on this list were made before the first time I Made Sweet Love, and in some cases, made before I could physically Make Sweet Love. Flexuhh Time to ‘Ave Sexuhh. Mmmhmmmm.

Jay Pud: This song should actually be titled “How to coerce a woman into Makin’ Sweet Love with you.” You have to be pretty confident in yourself, and the love makin’ situation you’re in to play this song, because once it’s on…you can’t take it back. If the girl’s digging you then you’ll probably score, but if it’s some hot cheerleader chick who wants you to tutor her in algebra, you put yourself at risk to getting a pom pom shoved up your ass followed by a lifetime of ridicule from your friends, and enemies at school. That’s why it’s always important that you set the mood, and feel your partner out before busting out with the Mad Cobra.

22. The Delfonics - Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind This Time)

Mike Dikk: One of the few songs put on this list not for its comedic or novelty value. This is a bona fide hit to Make Sweet Love to. Which leads me to believe it’s been used in a movie where lots of Sweet Love Making occurred. I’m not really sure though, because most of the movies I watch just have steady fishin’ and no Sweet Love. If you close your eyes and listen you can almost imagine your hands caressing a beautiful naked body, and not in a totally perverted way either. Like the kind of caressing where one finger is ok and not the whole fist. Ya get me?

Jay Pud: This is the kind of song that really dorky people listen too when they’re alone in their room masturbating to the idea of romancing the super hot chick at school or work. Then they finish and wipe themselves and look in the mirror, and realize that the shit’ll never happen, but they keep wiping with oxy pads and writing into Jenny Jones to get onto the “Geek or Chic” makeover episode regardless.

21. Billy Idol - Rebel Yell

Mike Dikk: This was one of Jay’s picks and for me personally, this song is walking a thin line between Makin’ Sweet Love and Dirty Fishing. I guess it would be possible to Make Sweet love to ‘Rebel Yell’. Especially if you are the Beer Drinkin’ Heavy Metal type and you don’t really own anything softer than Billy Idol. Maybe I’m just a complete pussy and I can’t imagine Making Sweet Love to Billy Idol. Maybe I’m too afraid Billy Idol would climb through the speakers and steal my woman with that sexy snarl of his, or maybe just get drunk and beat her.

Jay Pud: I think Mike and I differ in our ideas for Makin’ Sweet Love. I believe that love making can be metal, but it can’t be too metal…which is why I chose Billy Idol over say…Manowar. Manowar is dirty fishing…Billy Idol is simply showing her that although you are romantic, you’re not a pussy ass bitch who needs to hide behind gentle words and mellow beats. It’s the musical equivalent to ear biting, or a finger in her asshole-a little rough, but it’s just that little something extra.

20. Bell Biv Devoe - Do Me Baby

Mike Dikk: This has to be on while you’re already in the act of Makin’ Sweet Love. You can’t expect to put this song on and get Sweet Love. I’d actually go as far as saying this would have to be on close to the climax, and by climax, I mean orgasm. Probably the male orgasm and maybe a fake female orgasm. This song is kind of creepy because it’s pretty apparent at least one of BBD (I believe Devoe) is fishing in the background, or at least making fish noises to simulate fishing. I don’t think they’re looped either so he really sat in the studio and went “ooooh yeah sssss uhhh yeah” for a few minutes. The idea of someone doing that is ridiculous, so he HAS to be Making Sweet Love for real.

Jay Pud: This song is for people who can actually get laid without trying to talk their way into it. Mike and I are not that lucky. We usually have to talk to the girl for a good solid week before we can charm the panties off of her. Damn this society and it’s superficial ways. We here are honest with ourselves, and have officially set our standards lower. We now allow girls up to 120 lbs from the previous 110, and large B’s from a medium C, to fish us.

19. Barry White - Can’t get Enough of Your Love

Mike Dikk: If we wanted to, we could have made this list 25 Barry White songs, but we didn’t. There isn’t any special reason why this Barry White song beat out his other ones. People associate Barry White with Makin’ Sweet Love. He’s like Universal sign language or something. People don’t put on Barry White to go have a barbecue, they put it on when they’re good and ready to Make Sweet Love. For this reason alone, I have nothing spectacular to say about the song itself, but putting on any Barry White will increase your chances of Making Sweet Love by at least 13%. It’s science fact.

Jay Pud: I agree. I’d say more, but… why?

18. Shai - If I ever Fall in Love

The early to mid 90’s were good for one thing. Interchangeable slowjams. You can find truckloads of this shit in any discount section of any music store. It’s like everyone was Makin’ Sweet Love from 91-95. I believe I lost my virginity in 1996, so I missed the pussy boat. Oh my god, that was so gross, “pussy boat”?? What the fish was I thinking? Anyhoo, Shai was a one or two hit wonder. Probably a one hit wonder, with “If I Ever Fall In Love”. It’s a pretty decent song as far as slowjams go. Plus it was released as an acapella OR a song with backing music, so you have your choice of which version you’d like to Make Sweet Love to. I personally enjoy the Acapella version, but you the reader, might not be as rhythmic as me and may need the backing music to help you guide your way aboard the pussy boat.

Jay Pud: He said “Pussy Boat.” That rules. Anyway, one thing I noticed about this list is that it is dominated by black, male singing about love. If you get the acapella version of this song (the good version), you get multiple black males singing about love. It’s a revolutionary formula to bring into modern day love Makin’ Sweet Love songs, and boy does it work…although I too missed the pussy boat, for I lost my virginity in…1996. Not with Mike, though. Pussy boat, Pussy boat, Pussy boat. I love it.

17. The Cure - Close To Me

Mike Dikk: Another one of Jay’s picks. To be honest with you, I can’t really imagine Makin’ Sweet Love to this song, so hopefully Jay can explain this. Fucking democracy. Always working against you.

Jay Pud: The version of this I gave to Mike was the up tempo happy remix of the song, for I could not find the regular version to download without a long ass wait. This is the type of song that does the work for you…like a good, mid-hump making sweet love song should. It gets the hips synchronized…Jesus Christ, do I have to explain everything? If the hips aren’t synchronized, shit will be falling out everywhere, and nothing would get accomplished. You need to be in sync when you fish…and this song slows it down with a beat that even the most off beat white boy can understand. Plus, Robert Smith did for New Wave what Danzig does for metal…he brings some tenderness into the deal… and I’m all about the fishing tenderness.

16. Boyz II Men - I’ll Make Love To You

Mike Dikk: This song is pretty self-explanatory. I mean, it’s IN THE TITLE! Boyz II Men didn’t beat around the bush. They’ll make (sweet) love to you, like you want them to, and they’ll hold you tight. All through the night. This song sounds a lot like “Always and Forever” which didn’t make the list. Weird. It’s also weird how Boyz II Men started out as some funky r&b hip hop group wearing matching funny clothes then morphed into some adult contemporary soul act and made billions of dollars then seemingly disappeared . Maybe they’re still around. I don’t even know, but this has nothing to do with Makin’ Sweet Love, so I’ll stop the useless banter right about here.

Jay Pud: Close your eyes, make a wish, and blow out the candle lights. For tonight is just the night we’re gonna celebrate all through the night. Pour the wine, light the fire, girl your wish is my command, I submit to your demand, Ill do anything…you need only ask. Chorus. Girl relax, let’s go slow, I ain’t got nowhere to go…Ill just concentrate on you..are your ready…It will be a long night. Right about here is when she asks you for the money in advance because she’s beginning to think you’re a friggin weirdo.

15. Bouncing Souls - The Something Special

Mike Dikk: One of Jay’s picks yet again. It’s The Bouncing Souls. Not in my wildest dreams have I imagined Makin’ Sweet Love while listening to The Bouncing Souls. Jay has a really strange playlist for Makin’ Sweet Love. I mean, some things I can agree on, and other stuff makes no sense to me.

Jay Pud: I needed an extra love song…looked through the songs on my computer, and settled for this.

14. Jodeci - Come And Talk To Me

Mike Dikk: This is the first slowjam I openly admitted to liking. Jodeci were the undisputed kings of slowjam groups for a short amount of time and I’m sure a lot of children were conceived to this song. Mostly by accident, because this isn’t a grown up song or anything. It’s one of those teenager love songs. So in a way, it makes the Sweet Love depressing due to all the accidental pregnancies it’s most likely caused. I’m sorry for exposing you to this. The seedy underworld of Makin’ Sweet Love to slow jams, and all it’s bastard children it’s spawned. Let’s have a moment of silence.

Jay Pud: This song is pretty mediocre to me as far as Makin’ Sweet Love goes. I mean…it’s a good choice and all, but doesn’t really stand above the rest. I can fish to it, or not…either way I’ll be a happy man. I do suppose you need a Jodeci song on it, because they, and their spawns are the undisputed kings of making slow jams using that exact same beat over and over and over again-and that should stand for something.

13. 4PM - Sukiyaki

Mike Dikk: I’m sure everyone has heard at least one version of ‘Sukiyaki’ in their lifetime. The song has quite a storied history that I needn’t get into. What you need to know is, 4PM’s version is THE BEST version to Make Sweet Love to. Never has Sukiyaki been sung so soulfully and sensually by a handsome four man group and it probably never will be again. It’s a crying shame too. A lot of people either haven’t heard this cover or straight out don’t remember it, so use this is your sexy secret weapon in the conquest to find and Make Sweet Love.

Jay Pud: This song is musical Spanish fly. It’s acapella roofies. When this song is on, she won’t feel bad for herself for fishing your sorry ass. Suddenly you’ll be Tom fishing Selleck, mustache and all, there to ease her into the promise land with bristly kisses, and a hairy chest. Trust me on this…if you want pussy…you want to play Sukiyaki.

12. Journey - Anyway You Want It

Mike Dikk: The only people I can imagine Makin’ Sweet Love to Journey are older folks who probably have a landscaping job and drive something with T-tops. All walks of life need to Make Sweet Love though, so I shouldn’t discriminate. I can’t help it though. Thinking about this song and sex at the same time makes me want to take a long cold shower, then go to bed alone in shame. If you are over 30 though, or Jay apparently, the idea of boning to Journey may excite you.

Jay Pud: Imagine this: You’re at a bar. The lights are dim and giving off orange, sexy vibrations. The bartender asks you “What can I get you sir?” You say “I’ll have a Mamosa,” and suddenly you see her sitting across from you at the bar. She’s a sexy thing…a pussycat just purring and waiting to be stroked. Suddenly Steve Perry and the rest of the gang from journey are singing to you from the juke box…singing for you, to her. “Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it, any way you want it,” and she notices you. You wipe the juice from your mustache, then you catch the bartender before he makes your cocktail and say “ What’s the lady having?” He looks to you, then to her, then back to you, and says “Why, she’s drinking Mamosa’s too.” Your hear skips a beat. “All night, All night, Oh Every Night” Steve says. You tell the bartender “Get one for the lady… on me.” When he brings her the drink she scans the bar to see who the stallion was that bought it for her. It was you. Journey is wailing on a guitar solo when you first make eye contact. Sparks fly. You don’t know much in your drunken state…but you know you’re going to get laid tonight. Get it? Am I right, or what?

11. Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing

Mike Dikk: If you are making a tape or CD or some other format you record music on, and the sole purpose of the tape/CD you’re making is to Make Sweet Love, this should be the first song on it. No questions asked. It explains right up front what you want. Sexual motherfishing healing. Your partner won’t get the wrong message. He or she will know right up front what your intentions are for the night/day/lunch break. I don’t think anyone has written a more honest song in the history of music. Marvin Gaye is a true poet and should be recognized as the Patron Saint of Baby Making.

Jay Pud: See, what I like about this song is the fact that if you’re around my age, you were probably conceived during this song, or while the aftershock of this song was sending ripples into your parent’s genitals. I just completely ruined the mood. Don’t say that if you’re trying to make sweet love to someone. If the world would just listen and learn from Marvin Gaye. He had it all figured out, and we all owe him for his inspired baby making ballads.

10. Sade - Ordinary Love

Mike Dikk: I know Jay doesn’t agree with me, but Sade has one sexy voice. There’s not really many women equal to Marvin Gaye or Barry White when it comes to making Makin’ Sweet Love songs. I can’t listen to a Sade song and not visualize a thousand beautiful women Makin Sweet Love to me simultaneously (I also visualize having a thousand working penises when listening to Sade) while laying on a bed stuffed with the softest of animal feathers in some futuristic pleasuredome, ala Logan’s Run. With the pink smoke and everything. Yes, I really imagine all of this anytime I hear Sade. I think on my original voting ballot I put like 10 Sade songs and sadly this was the only one to make it. It’s ok though, because I can only have so many no-contact orgasms before people start thinking weird things about me.

Jay Pud: My big problem with Sade, is that it’s not really “Making Sweet Love” music. Its easy listening be some breathy chick. It reminds me of floating on my back in a swimming pool while the sun beams down on my face. It reminds me of that stage of in between stage of sleep where the only thing that is real is a question: Am I sleeping? Is this a dream? No where incorporated in all of that is a boner of any kind.

9. The Stylistics - Betcha By Golly Wow

Mike Dikk: I wonder if “Betcha By Golly, Wow” was a popular catchphrase when this song was made. Or maybe The Stylistics were trying to make it a popular catchphrase. Who knows? Well, I’m sure old people know. Anyway, This is one of those songs you can slow dance to, and then later on, naked slow dance to. It’s a song that serves multiple purposes! It’s also good for those shy types who can’t handle songs like “Flex” or “Do Me Baby” because they find them too overt. You can put this song on and look like you have completely innocent intentions, then bam! Makin’ Sweet Love!

Jay Pud: This song tells the girl just how special she is. It tells her that she’s more than a toy for your throbbing groins. If Mike and I ever start a band, it’s going to be called “Throbbing Groin and the Pussy Boats.” Look for it. We’ll be the next big thing in Makin’ Sweet Love.

8. The Monkees - Daydream Believer

Mike Dikk: I view this as more of a song to listen to when you’re all done with the Sweet Love Makin in you’re in bed holding each other. Hahahaha, people don’t hold each other! I meant, when they’re having a cigarette or picking the [censored] hair out of their teeth. It’s a feel good song, y’know? It makes anything you just did, no matter how raunchy, seem sweet and innocent. Some of us need that in our lives, because some of us (not me) are into some sick fishing shit, and might have a fished up view of what “Makin’ Sweet Love” is. Actually, if you’re the type of person into “scat” or “water sports”, please don’t listen to this song, because you’ll make it dirty for me. DON’T RUIN THE MONKEES FOR ME PERVERTS!

Jay Pud: If you were in a grassy meadow on a beautiful spring day-the sun shining down on you and you special someone as you feed each other grapes from the picnic basket, than you should be listening to this song. Just, don’t soil the blanket because you’re mom might get pissed off.

7. Danzig - Blood & Tears

Mike Dikk: Ahh yes, This is for the people I mentioned earlier in the Billy Idol writeup, except this is for the even heavier heavy metal motherfishers who don’t own any pussy shit by that limey bastard Billy Idol. I frequently imagine that if I had a singing voice like Glen Danzig’s I’d literally be swimming in pussy. I’m not making this up for the sake of a punchline either. I’ve actually talked about this with one of my girlfriends. Maybe even a few of them. Danzig could sometimes be….corny, but he’s one rockin’ motherfisher and he knows how to make a heavy metal slowjam. Or in that case, a punk rock Slowjam, but no Misfits songs made the list, so that’s neither here nor there. The point is, Danzig is the greatest heavy metal crooner of our lifetime and if you want to get into the skintight leather pants of some broad with teased hair, then put on Blood & Tears. Trust me. ]

Jay Pud: Mike stole my commentary for this one. Danzig is the only man alive that can make a song about Satan sexy. He just has that special power that all men wish they were equipped with… a vulnerable, yet dominating singing voice. If I could sing like Danzig I’d probably have many STD’s right now.

6. Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up

Mike Dikk: A couple years ago, this would have been in my automatic top three of songs to Make Sweet Love to. It was recently ruined by some ugly neighbors of mine who seriously played the song on repeat for 6 hours on Saturdays, EVERY SATURDAY. They could have obviously benefitted from this list, as they would have had 24 more songs to Make Sweet Love to. I have the same theory on this song as I do about Jodeci’s “Come and Talk To Me”. Seeing as when this song came out all it made me think about was how much I wanted to Make Sweet Love. So much so, that I made Sweet Love with myself every day, multiple times a day. I’m not sure if that makes me gay or not, because last time I checked, Color Me Badd was all dudes. I was thinking about chicks the whole time though. I swear.

Jay Pud: One of these dudes actually had the balls to make a fashion statement by wearing sleeves with the shirt cut off. You have to be pretty goddamned confident in your song to do something that stupid. Didn’t these guys get beat up by 3rd Bass? Anyway, we’re not here to talk about getting beat up…we’re talking about makin’ the love, and this song spells it out pretty nicely. The thing about this song is that they seem like they really mean it. They really do want to sex you up. You can tell by the sincerity in their voices that they are ready to get it on, and their just looking for the right ho to join them. It’s kind of gross if you listen to it and imagine it as a conversation between one another.

5. Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone AKA Theme from Top Gun

Mike Dikk: This HAS to be in the middle of the Sweet Love Making and it HAS to be with someone who you regularly Make Sweet Love with, especially if you’re a guy, because the girl might misinterpret “The Danger Zone” as being “Her Vagina”, and that’s a little mixup that will put a screeching halt to Sweet Love Making. This song is not for only Making Sweet Love though. I mean, I’d be lying if I said this song wasn’t playing in my head for at least 60% of my waking days. So it makes more than perfect sense that you would (or I would, at least) include this song in the most beautiful act two people can share. It’s the most beautiful because Naked girls are the only guaranteed thing to give me a full on erection.

Jay Pud: Yes…welcome to the danger zone…where the love makin’ is sweet, the music is sexy, and the unexpected lie around every curve of my manly body. You want it…I know, because you can see that I’m a predator; a manly predator that has moves that you’ve never even heard of. You want my power thrust. You fear it… I can smell it, but you want it. Why are you sweatin’ sweet thang? Is it because you don’t know if you can handle the power thrust? Well trust me girl… You can handle it…as long as you hold on tight and remain in your seat. This is what goes on in my head when I hear this song during love making.

4. Bobby Brown - Roni

Mike Dikk: For those of you who didn't bother to buy Bobby Brown’s ‘Don’t Be Cruel’ and either just taped the singles off of the radio or even bought the cassingles, you missed out on the best song to be written by the one, Bobby Brown. That song is none other than ‘Roni’. If you’ve never heard this song and you’re really serious about your Sweet Love Making, I ORDER you to go out right now and buy the entire Bobby Brown ‘Don’t Be Cruel’ CD or at least download the song. You will not be disappointed, I promise you. When it gets to that part where he’s doing that soft whisper-rapping, I want to be [censored] deep in some [censored] or I feel like less of a man. I can’t even listen to this song right now, because I’m not naked.

Jay Pud: I’m going to one up Mike and say that this may be the best song ever written…ever. This isn’t just a song…this is confessional literature. Bobby Brown clearly wanted to express his love for his “Roni” and make us all understand that she is so great…that she gets her own fishing category. She’s not a babe, a chick, a slut, his boo, she’s his fishing Roni. That’s deep, man…that’s beautiful.

3. U2 - All I want Is You

Mike Dikk: This was Jay’s wedding song, so instead of me fishing that up with my non-unique brand of potty humor, I’ll let him take this one. Plus I might cry, and that would make me a bitch.

Jay Pud: This was my wedding song. I have nothing cute or funny to say about it, and if you do…than you’re gonna get a knuckle sandwich.

2. LL Cool J - I Need Love

Mike Dikk: THE GREATEST RAP LOVE SONG EVER WRITTEN!! They should have quit making rap love songs after this. I mean, they pretty much did, but some people still tried every once in a while. If I ever had a wedding, I’d hope I’d be rich enough to pay for LL Cool J to come to it and perform this song live. Just that one song though. I don’t give a shit about the rest of his catalog. Then maybe I could convince him to come along on the Honeymoon and sing it while I’m Making Sweet Love. Not in the same room though, that would be way too awkward. He’d have to sing it in the hallway or the closet or something. Some of the shit on this list you can bypass and replace with other songs, but this right here, is a keeper. You need this song on the ultimate Makin’ Sweet Love compilations.

Jay Pud: LL Cool J may be bad as hell, but deep down, he’s a softy who wants to see his love unfurl. This is THE rap ballad. I just don’t know what to say…this is the shit, and if you plan on making sweet love anytime soon, then listen to this while you do it… you wont be sorry.

1. Marvin Gaye - Let’s Get it On

Mike Dikk: In all seriousness, there’s a good chance this is the only song on this list I’ve actually Made Sweet Love to. I’m sure millions of other people have to. This is hands down, no contest, the best song to Make Sweet Love to. Even if you’re just in the mood for fishing, if you put this song on, it will turn into Makin’ Sweet Love. You can’t fight it. It’s just one of those things you have to live with. I already said it, but Marvin Gaye is a fishing genius. You cannot deny the feeling he puts in all of our loins. Or is it groins? I don’t know. I’m not even going to try and be funny. You haven’t Made Sweet Love if you haven’t listened to this song while doing it, or least thought about this song, bottom line.

Jay Pud: The thing is…this is the number one song, and I can’t say anything better than what Mike said. I feel bad for the anticlimactic review but…there it is.

Too much

Here's some reviews I done did for Bystander Fanzine.

The Power & The Glory - Call Me Armageddon (Deathwish) 28 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
After my first listen to 'Call Me Armageddon', I noticed a lot of similarities to Converge's 'Jane Doe'. I mean, it's kind of hard not to. It's on Deathwish (Jake Bannon's label), The artwork is done by Jake Bannon and it was recorded by Kurt Ballou, and both bands play that same type of extreme chaotic metalcore. Fortunately, there's more than enough differences between this and Jane Doe to keep you listening.
Like Jane Doe, The CD's sound has a dirty grimy feel to it, but it's not the same dirty/grimy as 'Jane Doe'. This actually sounds way better. The end result is a discordant wall of noise in the front end, with the drums and bass in the back end fighting their way through. Kurt Ballou's production adds to the overall feel of the record. You really get a sense of hopelessness and impending doom listening to it. OK, that was a little bit dramatic, but seriously, this is by far my favorite Kurt Ballou/God City recording, slightly edging out the stuff he did with Curl Up and Die which also sounds awesome.
This CD isn't all Kurt Ballou though. The Power & The Glory (formerly known as Downpour, by the way) do their part as well. Once again, to refer back to Jane Doe, this isn't as all over the place as that record. This is still as crazy and harsh, but it's more centered. To put it another way, listening to Jane doe was like being tied to a chair in a pitch black room while people spontaneously threw hammers at you from every angle. 'Call Me Armageddon' is more like being cornered by a gigantic sweaty lifer in a maximum security prison and having him furiously and relentlessly pound you in the ass for a half hour or so. I mean this as a high compliment. Really. The lyrics accompany the ass pounding well too. Very dark and somber.
The only gripe I have with this CD is the cover art. It's a skull with wings. This CD deserves something better than a skull with fucking wings! Even the silouhette of the nightmarish cityscape thing that's featured on the inside tray and CD is way more interesting than a skull with wings. It's a minor gripe, but really, it gets lost in the sea of other cliche hardcore CD covers.
Fuck the complaining though. If you were into Jane Doe, but wanted more, or if you're just overall down with deathwish, this is another quality release from them. Highly recommended.




Halfacregunroom - Wrecked (Icarus/Deathwish) 28 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
OK, Icarus is a sub-label or subsidiary or 'imprint' of Deathwish. Call it whatever you want. Just like any side label of any regular label, Icarus puts out stuff that wouldn't really fit well on Deathwish. That's understandable and all, but then why would you send that stuff to the same place you send Deathwish stuff for reviews?
Halfacregunroom play alt/country with elements of punk and bar rock. The last time the hardcore scene was widely exposed to this type of music was a little record called 'Mike Judge & Old Smoke'. I know very, very little, if anything about alt country, so I don't know if this is technically good or not. I do know that I personally don't like it one bit. I don't like ANY country.
I can respect that Deathwish is trying to branch off and help out some bands outside of the hardcore/metal genre but sending it to hardcore sites for review is the wrong way to get the word out. Unless they're banking on tools to pretend to be into it because a hardcore label had something to do with it and one of the dudes in the band is wearing a Bane hoodie in the CD Jacket. Then again, I don't know what it's like in the south. Maybe this shit is big down there and there's like a little crossover thing going on at shows. Up here in the northeast though, I can only imagine hipster douchebags listening to this. Like, all the kids with the big belt buckles and trucker hats or cowboy hats who drink PBR or High Life to look working class, but they really have a trust fund that they're only relying on it until their 'careers' as 'artists' and 'musicians' take off.
Back to the point, I cannot recommend this or not recommend this to anyone because I know jack shit about this type of music. I'm sorry America.

The Blinding Light - The Ascension Attempt (Deathwish) 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Take the best elements of Acme, Deadguy, and Threadbare, pepper a little with some Neurosis and glaze with the overall Relapse Records metal sound and you have The Blinding Light. The Ascension Attempt is hands down, the most refreshing metalcore CD in quite a while. Just enough originality and familiarity to get everyone into it.
I was a bit skeptical when I found out this was a new project by the old singer of Threadbare, because I always viewed Threadbare as a groundbreaking band of the mid 90's, but The Blinding Light doesn't dissapoint. They're not really breaking much new ground but they're definitely crushing and destroying old and stale ground.
The musicianship is top notch and leads me to believe at least a few of these people have worked together previously, because bands usually don't sound this cohesive and tight this early on in their existence. All of the transitions and progressions make sense and flow seemlessly. None of the mosh parts sound forced at all, which is quite a rarity in this day and age of cookie cutter breakdowns.
Another huge bonus is that usually when metal music is this heavy and agressive, you can skimp on the vocals and lyrics, but vocalist Brian Lovro shows everyone once again that he's a step ahead of his peers with his clever wordplay and overall delivery and cadance. Here's an example, from the song, 'Ammunition': "I got a moron inside/it gets anxious/from time to time/no matter/what day what time/he always gets in/the last line." I must say a lot of people don't appreciate stuff like that anymore, but it definitely inspires me not to slack off on my own lyrics.
This should be a mandatory purchase if you're into heavy, aggressive music, as it's given a bitter and jaded bastard hope for new heavy music in general. I am now not afraid that metalcore will forever be dominated by little well groomed boys with tight t-shirts.




The Bonds - Not A Phase (TTY) 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
The Good: No Frills, Fingerpointing, Floorpunching Youth Crew Hardcore. The Bad: The singer has a VERY distinct French-Canadian accent. So not only are the vocals kind of...iffy, but the lyrics (which are all in English) suffer too. Not that Youth Crew Hardcore is really known for it's intelligent lyrics.
I know I'm being ignorant, and I shouldn't discriminate just because the singer has an accent, but I can throw a fucking rock out of my window and hit a decent sounding Youth Crew band in the face while they're busy practicing their GO! jumps. So, unless you're from Canada or France, you shouldn't have to tolerate the accent, unless you're into it. Then tolerate it all you want.
If you're from the French part of Canada (Quebec is where these guys are from I Believe. I think thats French speaking Canada. I suck at geography.) and enjoy Youth Crew, then you probably already know who these guys are, but if you don't, now you do. If you're visiting French speaking Canada and you're in the mood for some Fingrpointing goodness, then you should see if these dudes are playing around your area, or you could just buy the CD and bring it back to the bath house you're staying at for the week and Floorpunch there.

Fear Before The March of Flames - Odd How People Shake (Equal Vision) 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
I'll admit that I really wanted to hate this band and this CD once I checked out their promo pictures and found out they were touring with 18Visions. Then I listened to the CD and FBTMOF (even the acronym is too long) is perfectly capable of aping Botch so I can't fully hate them. I'm not saying this CD is all peaches and cream, but it's definitely better than I was expecting.
What you have here is some nu-screamo in the vein of Blood Brothers or These Arms or Snakes or some other bands I don't really know about that Alternative Press wets their panties over. There's some decent standout songs ('Fashion Tips Baby' & 'The 20th Century Was Entirely Mine'), but there's the same amount, if not more songs that are just trying to do too much within the boundaries of a single song and end up sounding like the aural version of a grotesque Spin Art project where paint was substituted with vomit.
I don't imagine this CD is going to rope in any new fans to the seemingly limited nu-screamo genre, but if you're already down with that scene, you could probably get into this. At least a few songs. I like the packaging concept too. Nice cut and paste art. Too bad someone decided to make all the text in a 4 point illegible font. I hope that was on purpose just to piss people off or something.




Fellow Project - ...If We Were Mariachis (burnitdown/REBUILD) 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
Acoustic Folk music with hints of punk, country, jazz, indie rock and other exotic musical genres. They also utilize exotic musical instruments like the flute and mandolin. I'm really not qualified at all to review such a thing or tell you if it's good or not. The only thing I can think of while listening to this is being in a coffee house. That may or may not be a good thing to you.
This was put out by burnitdown/REBUILD though and if you haven't checked out their site, you should. It's a very DIY label based out of Long Island who are all about putting out bands in their scene for free and distributing the music for free. I'm sure they're putting out something you'd be into, so go to their site. www.burnitdownrebuild.com. You can find info on how to get the Fellow Project CD there and many other CD's. Or you can go to Fellow Project's site and download the entire CD there. www.fellowproject.com




Human Breed - Among Millions of Faceless Human Beings (TTY) 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
Driving, melodic and involved metalcore that suffers from subpar production. Mainly the drums and bass which can sound pretty shitty in spots. If you can get over that though, the music is awesome. The only reason I mention the production at all is because this is the kind of metal that would really benefit from a top notch recording.
You can tell these guys are huge fans of bands like New Day Rising and You And I. I'd even call them emo metal, but in these post-Poison The Well Hitting it Big times, the term emo metal evokes some baaaaaad images.
Basically it's very melodic and meaningful metalcore with a lot of sung parts, but not in the derivative way metalcore vocals are sung now. The singing fits in perfectly with the music and isn't forced at all. Besides, this was recorded in 2002, which means the songs were probably written between 2000-2002, so it was slightly before this whole new army of shitty generic mosh bands with bad singing parts. In other words, you can tell these guys do it because they love the music and not because it's fashionable.
I really hope a decent label picks them up and throws them some money for an awesome recording. If you miss older metalcore or older emo metal, seek this one out.




Silent Drive - Love is Worth it. (Equal Vision) 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
Silent Drive includes members of Bane and Drowningman, but please don't let that affect your purchasing decisions, because this band sounds absolutely nothing like either of those bands.
I'd also like to say the packaging and layout to this CD is BEE YOO TEE FULL. I like it a lot. It's very pretty and I'm in touch enough with my sexuality where I can openly admit that.
Now on to the music. well... Silent Drive is at it's best when they're piling on pretty layers of melody and ending up with a mid to fast paced crunch. Anytime they delve too deep into one or the other, it gets grating.
The music is accentuated by the singer's incredible voice. Most of the time, he sounds exactly like Faith No More era Mike Patton (sans rapping). He has quite a vocal range on him. Not sure how much of that is studio effects though, as this recording is definitely a top notch studio production.
Like I said in the beginning of this review, just ignore the ex-member status. If you're into soft somewhat post hardcore or what's quickly becoming the Equal Vision Brand of indie rock, OR if you just like hearing dude's sing like Mike Patton, then pick this up. If none of that sounds appealing to you, I suggest you run away from this CD as fast as possible.




The Solidarity Pact - Concrete Don't Give A Fuck 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
It's been said there's three groups of people in the world. Group A: Those who liked Kid Dynamite's first LP more than the second one. Group B: Those who liked the second LP more than the first. Group C: Idiots who don't like Kid Dynamite at all.
With that said, it's safe to say that Group B would really love The Solidarity Pact, Group A would probably really like them too, and Group C needs to jump off of a cliff already.
If you live under a rock and don't understand the Kid Dynamite references, The Solidarity Pact play melodic punk hardcore with high emphasis on the punk hardcore part. The only huge difference musically between them and KD are the vocals, which are very screamy, instead of snotty.
The lyrics are really intelligent and not at all cliche. There's even a song ('hit 'em Up') calling out a few Long Island bands that are doing the corporate punk thing. I always respect and ecourage starting beef. Even if it is in a somewhat tongue and cheek manner. Overall, everything on here seems really, really sincere.
If you're into melodic hardcore at all or just into what seems to be becoming the Long Island Sound (haha, get it?), you should check this out. The best part about it is that this FULL LENGTH CD is available FREE from either The band themselves at www.thesolidaritypact.cjb.net or from the burnitdown/REBUILD label/project (whom I think helped put this out, but that info wasn't given inside the CD.) at www.burnitdownrebuild.com. Or you can always pick it up if you get a chance to see them.




Time in Malta - Alone with the Alone (Equal Vision) 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
I've never listened to Time in Malta before, so I couldn't tell you if it's been a slow descent to their current brand of widely accessible commercial-core or if this was more of a 360 degree turn.
The first few songs are ok and still posess some amount, albeit a small amount, of metalcore. Unfortunately, by Track 6 the drizzling shits turn into a full blown shit storm until you're flooded entirely by whiny radio metal.
This stuff (unfortunately) has a fanbase and I'm not it. This is for kids who are into Poison the Well and From Autumn to Ashes and other shit that's devoid of all sincerity.
There was a few good things that came out of this CD though. The first one being that I read their bio on the Equal Vision site and it said on an earlier release they covered a Threadbare song, which leads me to believe they were a good band at one point, so I'm anxious to check out their back catalog. Another good thing is that during the first few listenable songs, if you put a pillow over your ears, the singing parts kind of sound like later era Drowningman. Lastly, the CD booklet used that kind of flaky paper that smells like craypas. I love the smell of craypas, so I highly enjoyed sniffing this CD booklet.




V/A - The Only Constant is Change (Volcom Entertainment) 14 Jun 2004 by Mike Dikk
It's always hard to review compilations due to the fact that there's a large amount of bands and songs to cover and you're going to end up having mixed emotions about most of the material. Luckily, I don't like much on this 2 CD set of supposed Rare and Unreleased songs by some up and coming and veteran bands. There's 46 songs on here all together. Some of the bigger names on the CD's are: Rise Against, Pennywise, Vaux, Turbonegro, Piebald, & Guttermouth.
The music runs the gamut of pop punk, emo punk, bad metalcore, indie rock, nu-new wave and other stuff in between. The first disc seems to cater more towards the Warped Tour crowd while the second disc is more for deaf people. Sorry, that was harsh, but the second disc definitely has some awful songs on it. The only songs that sparked any interest in me were by some offbeat bands (C. Aarme, Consumers, Beehive & The Barracuda's, and Brain Squeegee), but that's because their songs were completely fucking retarded and the bands didn't seem to be taking themselves seriously at all.
I tried to do some research to see if this Comp. was specially priced, i.e., cheap, but I couldn't come up with anything. I would hope it is, because you could walk into any Hot Topic with a couple rolls of pennies and come out with 17 comps just like this one. Although, I don't condone walking into Hot Topics at all.
I guess if you really need that hard to find Scatter The Ashes track, then by all means pick this up, but I don't really suggest it.

grumble.

The weekend of doom and gloom is just about over. I'm fairly bored. This is a dilemma.

told you

Late breaking, up to the minute news on my job:

1. The nu metal dude is wearing a T-shirt that says 'IT'S TIME TO GET HARDCORE' on the back. I can't make out what it's for, because the front is only a small left breast design, but I can only assume it's for some shitty liquor product like Vinnie's HARDCORE Maple Syrup or Lou's EXXTREME Balsamic Vinegar, because this dude has a lot of those types of shirts. It's really cool to show off that you manage to make it to every free t shirt and shot give away in the area. I mean, I like drinking and all, but I'm not a tool.
Oh, and he was listening to ska, that sounded slickly produced, but wasn't The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, so I'm just going to say it was Reel Big Fish, because....yeah. There are no one other slickly produced ska bands.

2. The cleaning lady (who is normally accompanied by a cleaning dude) was apparently mopping the floor with poison today because anytime she came by my area with a mop, everything from my chest up either wanted to burn or vomit. I've never seen anyone mop our floor before, especially during peak walking hours around the office, so I'm thinking this was her own idea. Weirdo.

Reviews of things I bought from The Salvation Army.

...because you need to know these things.

The Radmanics - 100% Rip Roaring. demo tape
This is from 1997 and as far as I know, this band went nowhere. Unless YOU heard of them, and you haven't so don't lie. They seem to be from PA. Anyhow, at best, they sound like The Bouncing Souls, and at worst, they don't sound like The Bouncing Souls. Their name is The Radmanics though, and that's awesome.

Frankie Randall - The Mods & The Pops LP
I bought this for two reasons. Reason one being, the first sentence on the back of the record is: "When Frankie Randall first approached me with the idea for this album, my immediate reaction was: sheer modness!", and the second reason is because last night I was watching this pretty not good horror movie called 'Kiss Me Kill Me' and there was a good amount of music in it that I could only describe as 1960's Sleazy European Trash-Pop and for some reason I thought this MAY sound like that. It doesn't though. It kind of sounds like Dean Martin or Frank Sinatra singing over slightly hipper music. Or, like alternate takes of The Love Boat theme song. It's not bad I guess. It's sleazy and cheesy enough where it sounds like it can be in an old movie, and lately, I just want to listen to music that sounds like it was sin bad old movies.

OMP Soundtrack to 'Live and Let Die' LP
I'm pretty into spy music, but it's not like I have a lot of it or I'm well versed in it. I just like it because it sounds sleazy. I wasn't really sure if this would have a lot of spy music on it, because it's for a Bond movie from 1988 and it's the Baron Samadi Bond movie. Unfortunately, the record sounds like someone shit on it then used it to polish something, so I can't even really listen to it. On the plus side, the cover art is world-beating and worth the 49 cents the record sent me back. If I were nice, I'd post a picture of the cover art, maybe I'll do that at the end of this lil' post.

Survivor - Eye of the Tiger LP
This is just one of those things you have to buy if you see. Especially me, because I'm a huge Rocky fan. The record itself is in surprisingly excellent condition. Actually, it's not that surprising. Survivor really doesn't have very many good songs besides 'Eye of the Tiger', so it's not like you have to listen to the rest of the record. I will say though, if you get a chance to check out the backside of this record, do it. These guys look like the biggest douchebags ever. Like people who are real into shitporn and smelling their own farts. Fuck Survivor.

The Beach Boys - Endless Summer 2XLP
The Beach Boys - Spirit of America 2XLP
When I was like 4, my two favorite bands in the whole world were Blondie and The Beach Boys. There's a good chance it's because those were the only bands I knew of when I was 4. None of this is important though. Both of these records (or all 4 actually) are Greatest Hits types of things. Endless Summer is filled with a bunch of songs I'm familiar with and everyone is familiar with. Although none of them are off of Pet Sounds, which kind of bugs me, because I can't find a cheap copy of that record ANYWHERE EVER.
Spirit of America is filled with a bunch of songs I'm not familiar with and then all The Beach Boys songs about cars, all of which I hate. There are also no songs from Pet Sounds on this collection either. If you're all into The Beach Boys, I think you can get that Endless Summer set anywhere for $3 or under. I always see it around.

James Bond Live And Let Die artwork

MySpace bands

I have this personal thing where I find bad bands on Myspace, then make fun of them. I usually just silently make fun of them, and I don't find them or anything. they just pop up on the front page. Anyway, this is my favorite bad Myspace band:

INCAGED

Please take note of one of the shows they're playing. At a Six Flags in Kentucky, no less!

June, 26 2004 at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom
, Lousiville, , KY 40202
19.99 special band discount

Rock and Ride festival featuring 200 local bands for 3 days, on various stahes [sic] through out the park. Incaged headlines Saturday night.

Ahhh yes, a 200 band 3 day show, headlined by a band named Incaged. There really are no jokes I can make to make this any funnier than it already is. I'm sorry everyone. Very, very sorry.

ack ack

time to go see a man about some needles in my eye.

answer

Neighbors!
What are my neighbors?	Lesbians Hetero, but play softball Hetero cat enthusiasts Just chunky Lesbian softball players Chunky lesbians Other (explain)
	Current Results

Agenda

Shit I plan on putting up in here in the near to distant future. (not that i think anyone was waiting to read this. I'm just putting this here so I remember myself.)

1. GTS 100 Movies list, unedited.
2. Ipecac For The Soul #2, Anniversary Edition
3. Ipecac For The Soul #1
4. Ipecac For The Soul unreleased #3 (probably not though, but maybe)
5. GTS 25 songs for Makin' Sweet Love
6. A patchwork frankenstein version of GTS 100 videogmaes list.
7. Anything else I've written and recently found that i dont completely hate.

ventilation

mike dikk wst: speaking of ESL
mike dikk wst: if you go into the Latham pricechopper
mike dikk wst: they have these two posters made by ESL classes near the checkout
mike dikk wst: well, more near the exit
mike dikk wst: and they're crudely drawn and have all their names like JULIO and INGA
mike dikk wst: but one of them it says "Thank you Price Chopper for giving us 500 Napkins"
mike dikk wst: and then liek a bunch of other times, it says "thanks for the napkis -- OGBERT"
mike dikk wst: or "i like the napkins -- VLAD"
mike dikk wst: so the whole poster seems to be about Price Chopper giving ESL kids napkins
mike dikk wst: then on the OTHER poster
mike dikk wst: its like the same thing , except the nakin love isnt so obvious
mike dikk wst: but
mike dikk wst: on the lower left corner, in really bad hand writing it just says BEER
mike dikk wst: so they supply ESL kids with napkins, and sometimes beer

Revisit

1. Today at work, Creepy Molester Guy II (Not to be confused with Creepy Molester Guy I from Ipecac For The Soul #2. Paper version.) said to Legally Blind Guy:

"So what do you do for fun? Do you play Golf?"

This is funny because: He's LEGALLY BLIND and because he's actually in a Legally Blind Bowling league, and every time I say "legally blind bowling league" out loud, I laugh. Thinking about a legally Blind Golf League is like 504903930392382 times as funny.

Creepy Molester Guy II is weird. I'm pretty sure he has some sort of mental disability. Maybe not though. He could have gotten hit in the head with a hammer. The first time he talked to me was in an elevator and the first thing he said to me was "So, where do you live?". Who uses that to spark up a conversation?

2. Today my supervisor was talking about her cats. She talks about her cats all the time. She lives with her sister in an apartment. My supervisor is like pushing 40, living with her sister in an apartment. I'm sure her apartment is also crappier than mine.
This is not my point though. My point is that since they've moved in, I've always assumed my downstairs neighbors were lesbians. Mostly because of their Softball player figures, but the capper was that they had a pet cat that they keep on a leash. That just screams LESBO. Now I'm having second thoughts though. Maybe they're sisters? Or maybe they're weird hetero cat lovers? I may put up a poll in the future.

Aspirin Eaters vol. II

 
That last BLOGGING was so lame.

So one day, many years ago (about 6) I was wandering around inside of the Xpect Discount in Milford, CT. Xpect is like a Big Lots or one of those stores where everything is cheap and dirty.
There's this White Trash Betty walking around in a dirty brown leather jacket with her dirty little duaghter, who's name I would later find out to be Dakota (go figure.), and she turns into the make up aisle, which isn't much of a makeup aisle. I mean, it's a discount store. It's really just a few bottles of nail polish and maybe an emory board or two....
So she turns down into the makeup...section... and sits right the fuck down, takes one of her shoes off and starts applying nail polish that she swiped off the shelf to her TOES. Then of course she puts it back.

Later I would hear her say "Come on Dakota", referring to her kid.

the end.
#

Aspirin Eaters

It smells like a skunk outside. I'm having stomach cramps. complain, complain, complain.

go visit this site right here

ouch

The corner store finally changed their hommade OUT OF ORDER sign for the ATM machine. it used to say 'OUT OF ODER', and then for a little while, on the flipside to that sign there was a crude picture of a sad face crying. Now it just says OUT OF ORDER though. It's way more boring.

The Horror

I have spider eggs in my tongue and soon i'm going to have more needles in my eyes. Everything is horrible.

Flavor Country

IT IS TIME TO RECORD HISTORY!!!!

stop that

There's this lady that works in the same building as me, on the third floor I believe. She's missing an arm, but has a fake arm where the real one should be. You can't really notice it if she's wearing a long sleeved shirt unless you look at her hand for a while. The hand looks pretty fake. If she's wearing a short sleeved shirt however, you can see all the plastic and shit. Besides the arm thing, she's fairly attractive. Anytime she walks by me, she grills me for some reason, like she overheard me making fun of her arm or something, but I've never done that. I'm not sure why she does it though. Maybe she doesn't like my face.

This entry is not about that lady though, because I can tolerate her missing arm. There's another guy that's completely missing his arm though. He's the one who creeps me out. Like, there's not even a little nub. It's just all gone, and he pins his sleeve like they do in movies when people are pretending they don't have an arm but it's so obviously inside of their shirt. In the Winter though, he'd always wear a jacket so it looked like his hand was always in his pocket, but it wasn't because he didn't have one to put in a pocket!

So this guy works on the Third Floor too. In the same Department as the one armed lady.

The moral to this story is, If you ever get hired at my job, and they tell you you'll be working on the Third Floor in Core 4 and you currently have both of your arms, don't take the job, because there's a good chance you won't be leaving with all of your limbs.

God Loves His Children

So when I used to live in my old apartment, I'd always see this pretty fine MILF on my lunch break who worked in one of the offices across the street from my work. She would dress pretty provocatively for a lady who just worked in a random office on a regular day. Sometimes I used to stare at her for too long, so I guess you can say I mildly stalked her. Anyhoo, I don't see her anymore. I mean, I still go out on my lunchbreak, but I never ever see her. I'd like to pretend that ever since I moved, she doesn't see me outside enough and quit her job because she was so broken up about it. I know this is not true, because she definitely looked like an Uptown girl livin' in a High Class world, i.e. She probably had a rich globetrotting husband. I can dream though.


On a side note, that poem down there about sweaty men was not by me. It was by this professional blogger I know who is trying to steer me towards the righteous path of pro blogging.

truth

The one thing I don't miss about having a girlfriend, and more specifically, a live-in girlfriend, is having to sleep next to them in the summer.
When your room already feels like Borneo, it's just like adding on a 100-400lbs sweaty flesh blanket. The person definitely ceases to be cute at that point.

sleighbells and hand claps

it's all sweaty muscle men
lovin is easy if your colors are like my dreams...
sweaty muscle men
sweaty muscle meeeen

Hello!

Goodbye!