First few pages of my new zine:
Introduction
This is another issue of that dumb thing I do like once every year and a half if I'm lucky. I'd like to explain what's going on in this issue and how it came about so you're not lost. First of all, I managed to write one and a half MORE zines before beginning this, but the half zine thing I didn't end up liking enough to publish once it was done and the other full zine was lost forever when my hard drive exploded. I'm not the type of person to re-write something after it was already written despite the fact that no one ever read it.
That's all in the past and shit you didn't really need to know though. What you're holding in your hands right now is a project that will probably only be satisfying to me and maybe a few more people. I'm sure a lot of you will find it funny, but you won't understand the point of it, and that's cool. So don't feel bad or anything.
Now here's the back story:
About a year and a half ago, my then girlfriend at the time (actually no, I think we were broken up by then, so my ex-girlfriend at the time) helped some friend of hers move. I guess this dude had boxes of shitty records that someone gave him as payment for something or other. He didn't want them anymore because they were all shit, so OF COURSE, I decided to take them ALL. There were about six and a half crates total. I'd say maybe 20 of those records (and I'm being VERY generous) were records people would actually want to hear. The rest of them are junk records, like dance singles from the late 80's/early 90's and bad rock records and single white male crooners who look like Michael Bolton. 90% of them no one has ever heard of.
When I first got them, I scanned through them quickly and threw a bunch of shit into my permanent collection. Either for novelty value or because it was an actual song I liked. I bought a few new crates for some of the records that were in boxes that were falling apart and just kind of let them sit there. I managed to sell or trade a a few handfuls. Some other ones I used for craft projects or just dumb decorations. Some others were not so lucky. When I moved last, I threw out an entire crate because I didn't feel like moving them. I felt bad no one was around to give them to, but oh well.
What I have left is about 4 and a half crates. Some of the records are multiples. I have this one Doug E. Fresh single that I started off with something like 28 copies. I'm down to like 10, but still that's way too much Doug E. Fresh. If you take out all the multiples I would GUESS I have something like 250-300 records in here. 90% of which I've NEVER listened to. most of them aren't even OPEN.
So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to sit here at this fucking computer and give a little review for every single one of these records. It should be entertaining for you, the reader, and in a way, kind of cathartic for me, because the whole point of doing this is because I'd like to down-size a lot of the crap in my life, starting with this record collection.
Here's how I plan on setting it up. I'll give the name of the group, the title of the record and the year it was made. I don't think things like what label it's on is important to anyone. I'll then give a little funny description of the cover art (if applicable) and the inside art (again, if applicable) and then a funny little description of the music I find on these gems. Lastly, I'm going to mark down whether or not I plan on keeping the record with a number in parenthesis of how many I plan on keeping so far. Ultimately, I'd like to narrow down the collection to one crate. A crate holds around 85 records, so that's what I'm shooting for. I'll be really surprised if I even want to keep 85 of these things.
Some more technical shit that I'll tell you just for the fuck of it, or so I don't forget it myself if I happen to read this thing 20 years from now: I've separated the records into three groups: 12" Singles with no art, or generic label art. 12" Singles WITH art, and, LP's. I already chucked any classical album that had a boring cover, because that would be no fun for me to listen to or review. I also chucked any record sleeves I found with no records in them (I know, duh.) All in all, that took care of about 20 records. I toyed with the idea of putting them in alphabetical order, but there's really no reason to. Like I said, I have no previous knowledge of most of these records. While listening though, I plan on doing some background checks on www.allmusic.com. I'm really not sure if most of these artists will even have any info. up there, but it's worth a try. I also suggest you do the same thing too while you're reading this and find something that sounds interesting.
I think I've covered all the bases. I hope you enjoy this. Actually, I don't care if you do or not. -- Mike Dikk
Section I: 12" Singles with NO Art
1. The Charlatans U.K. - 'Weirdo' (1992)
Capsule: it's good to start out with a group I've actually heard of. The label says 'Not For Sale' so this is some secret DJ shit right here. The A. side is just one long 12 minute song and the B is a couple of shorter remixes of the same song. It's way too trebly because it's meant for the DJ's. It sounds like a more electronica friendly Happy Mondays or Stone Roses or something. It's nothing special or anything.
Status: Keep, just because it's not completely horrible and I may be able to trade it in the future (1)
2. The Superiors - 'Temptation' (????)
Capsule: No exact year, but it's circa 1990. This is some bad soul music. Bad in the bad way too. Lot's of 'girl' this and 'girl' that. It's good sexin' music I guess but it's not like some hidden gem I stumbled upon and could popularize 15 years later by breaking it out at some DJ dance party to SHOCK the world.
Status: No Keep. Too plain. Not funny and not good enough.
3. David Anthony Project LP Vol. 1 - 'It's Yuh Big' (1992)
Capsule: There's like four songs on here so it's technically not a single. The second song is called 'Yea Yessi', so that along with the main song title makes me think this is not an english artist. I could be wrong though. This is just regular boring early 90's vocal-less dance music, like you would find in a bad Japanese video game that had no money to aquire real music. This shit is so dated it's not even funny. Any idiot with a Playstation can make this song, and make it better right now.
Status: No Keep. Definition of generic dance music.
4. Ray Vaughn - 'Fashionable' (????)
Capsule: Ray Vaughn (Not to be confused with Stevie Ray) sounds like the lost member of New Edition who branched out into a solo career and made perfectly acceptable throw away R&B pop. He didn't get into all that dirty sex shit like BBD and didn't get into all that dirty crack shit like Bobby Brown. Ray is probably chillin' somewhere with Ralph Tresvant and Johnny Gill RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
Status: Keep. Just because when I bust this out on some young fuckers 15 years from now, they'll be amazed music like this even existed. (2)
5. HARDHOUSE - 'Check This Out' B/W 'Bee Boys Club' (1988)
Capsule: The A side, while probably pretty good in 1998, is horribly dated House music. This might actually be the song where that "awww yeah" sample originated from. I know that doesn't really narrow it down, but if you heard it, you'd be like "I've heard this sample in nearly 9,000 songs". The B side is just like one long breakbeat with some chops here and there. You could actually get away with playing this at a party right now and not get laughed at. I mean, everyone would be like 'What the fuck is this?', but if you gave a good enough explanation, they'd let it slide.
Status: Keep. For the B-Side, just in case I feel like taking up breakdancing soon. (3)
6. Young And Restless - 'Poison Ivy' (1989)
Capsule: Wow, Fatboy Slim went back to 1989 and invented Big Beat under the name of Young And Restless. If this had like two more retarded samples going on over it, no one would look at you twice if you told them this was a new Fatboy Slim single. I can't believe how fucking stupid MTV thought everyone was by trying to pass off Big Beat as 'The Next Big Thing'. Well actually, around the same time Kid Rock became the 'Next Big Thing'. So I guess in retrospect people are really fucking stupid. Stupid enough to the point where they were too stupid to understand Fatboy Slim, and Fatboy Slim isn't exactly rocket science.
Status: Keep. Just for how ridiculously awesome the samples they use are. (4) (I'm already keeping way too much shit.)
7. Ndescent Xposure - 'Walk Like A Man' B/W 'Get Your Head Wet' (1993)
Capsule: This is actually an oversight. I listened to this record when I first got it and was supposed to put it my permanent collection then. The A side is fucking HILARIOUS! The label says 'Absolutely NOT Radio Friendly'. Now keep in mind, this is 1993. So it's post-Wu-Tang Clan, Illmatic, and a BUNCH of other shit that changed the face of rap music forever. Now Ndecent Xposure is a really bad JJ Fad clone fucking EIGHT YEARS too late. The chorus is priceless. It's some guy going "I walked over like a man, with my dick in my hand". After that there's a lot of very lame talk about giving head and uterus' and junk. Then the guy says "I walked out like Rover, with my dick over my shoulder". The only thing I can possibly fathom is that it was in such high demand in 1985 that they made a repress, but I don't think so.
Status: Keep. I don't even think I'd sell this. (5)
8. Osiris - 'Total Devastation' (1986)
Capsule: Ehh, I was hoping this would be an old hip-hop record, but it's not. It's one of those things that you could only imagine being made in the 80's. People say that about actual songs that are good, but there was a LOT of shit made in the 80's that NO ONE remembers because it was so bad. This is like if Morris Day and The Time really fucking sucked and had slightly more of a rock edge, with bad synths and drum machines and....really sucked. There's a lot of synth voices in the background which is the only thing even remotely appealing about this song.
Status: No Keep: I'm Kind of pissed because I have like 8 copies of this and I'm not going to bother to keep any.
9. La Toya Jackson - 'Such A Wicked Love' (1988)
Capsule: The record sleeve proclaims, 'FRESH NEW REMIX!'. YES!!! I was getting SO sick of the old version. I don't feel like checking, but I don't know if 1988 was before or after her being naked in Playboy, which was like the end of her trying to take herself seriously anyway. Either way, if you've never heard a La Toya Jackson song, they're just shittier Janet Jackson songs sung by her uglier sister. One of my teachers in middle school told me there was some conspiracy going on that La Toya wasn't actually a real person and she was really someone created entirely by Michael. That fucked me up a lot for a while.
Status: No Keep: Novelty artist who's lost her novelty.
10. Pandella - 'Pull Our Love Together' (1992)
Capsule: Record Sleeve Proclaims (Ironically, the same label that made the La Toya Proclamation), 'FOLLOW UP TO THE INTERNATIONAL HIT...'. If you didn't know, 'International Hit' means 'No one cares about you except in places like Ethiopia because they've never heard music before and don't own record players'. This is early 90's generic dance music with anonymous female vocals. There were literally MILLIONS of women between the years of 89-93 with songs like this and they all sound EXACTLY the same. For reference, see CeCe Peniston And, she was the most POPULAR one!
Status: No Keep. Garbage.
11. Phil Flowers - 'Stay Awhile' (1986)
Capsule: This actually comes with a little pull out poster that I could hang up if I really liked Phil Flowers I guess. This is traditional soul style crooning. Somewhere between Barry White or Al Joreau and a shit sandwich. It's ok for what it is, but mostly because right in the middle there's this little interlude where he's spittin' some smooth game to this broad.
Status: Keep. Nothing special, but it has the pullout poster and i have multiple copies anyway, AND the instrumental is good sexin' music. (6)
12. Salt N Pepa - 'Start Me Up' (1992)
Capsule: Finally a group normal people have heard of! This song is from some movie called 'Very Neccesary' that I don't remember at all. I never really liked Salt N Pepa, and this follows the general soundtrack song rule of being something too mediocre for your normal record. Salt N Pepa songs don't age very well at all. This is actually making me depressed with how bad it is. It also reminds me of a lot of loud fluorescent clothing. Barf.
Status: NO KEEP! NO KEEP!
13. Ave Maria - 'No Sex Until Marriage' (1992)
Capsule: I'm letting everyone know right now, I'm probably keeping this no matter how bad it is just for the name alone. The best part is, the first version of the song on the record is the 'Pre-Matrimonial Climax Version'. Another side note is, this came out the same year as that Salt-N-Pepa single and it's on Next Plateau too. Boy, the actual song sucks. It's Mortal Kombat Soundtrack level techno music. No idea what Next Plateau was thinking with this one. I'm pretty sure they're out of business now anyway. Way to go!
Status: Keep, for the name. (7)
14. Panoramics - 'Estrellita El Mix' (????)
Capsule: This is circa early 90's because it's pretty simple House music. It's real low key and mellow though. Like if Sade was forced to make a House single. I wish I was listening to Sade right now instead of this though. There's some sexual moaning near the end, and sexual moaning in a song is something i can get behind. It's not god awful, but I have no practical use for this in my life. Unless I take a time machine back to 1991 and want to sex up a cute little latino girl. I'd bring the most flowery rayon shirt with me too.
Status: No Keep, I have no time machine.
15. Gino Latino - 'Welcome' (????)
Capsule: This is also on Harbor Light (like the last review). They need to learn how to put dates on their records. Besides having the greatest name in music history, This Gino Latino song pretty much sucks. It's some sort of House or Freestyle music from the early 90's. I can't really place the exact style because I'm really rusty on my knowledge of Early 90's Deceased Latino Community Musical Genres. Maybe if I went to college or didn't smoke so much weed this would be easier for me. I'm sorry America, I really let you down.
Status: No Keep. My brain is beginning to hurt and I'm only 15 reviews in.
16. Rena Scott - 'I Could Use A Kiss' (1989)
Capsule: I admire the honesty in the song title. The next song I write is going to be called 'I'd Really Like it If Someone Gave Me Some Weed For Free'. This is slow female crooning. She sounds like a Star Search Original. My head is seriously going to fucking explode.
Status: No Keep. I hope she does well on Showtime At The Apollo though.
17. Cardell - 'Baby Don't Fool Around' (1989)
Capsule: I took some aspirin to keep my head from exploding. This is very uninteresting R&B Pop. New Edition would beat Cardell up. In case you were wondering, New Edition really is the measuring stick I use for mostly any type of boy pop or R&B.
Status: No Keep. zzzzzzz.
18. Def Dames - '976-BOOM' (1989)
Capsule: Another oversight. This should already be in the Permanent collection. If you needed any explanation, please go read the group name and song title again. It's more JJ Fad worship, but this time in a slightly more timely fashion. In case you aren't me, you might be wondering who JJ Fad is. They were like the way more awesome, sluttier Salt N Pepa. Actually that's kind of fucked up calling them slutty, but I don't know, Salt N Pepa always looked like they were faking their slutiness.
Status: Keep. No further explanation needed. (8)
19. Skibone feat. Tommy Ski - 'Take It To The Top' (1986)
Capsule: The label tells me 'soul is back' It's the funky kind of soul that also includes pseudo-rapping apparently. This is actually the long dead Go Go genre, that was recently revived into more of an ass shaking type thing. I can dismiss how bad this is because it WAS in 1986 and no one really knew what the fuck they were doing in 1986. There's some kind of percussion solo in the middle of the song too. I don't know man, if anyone tried some garbage like this in 2004, they'd be shot.
Status: No Keep. A rikki dikki do. A rikki dikki poo.
20. Hot, Cold, Sweat - 'Love To Go Go' (1985)
Capsule: I can't figure out if 'How, Cold, Sweat' is a cool name or if it's really fucking stupid. You be the judge. This is more of the same that the last record was. Not really a surprise, both records are on the same label (T.T.E.D). There's a few more records on that label coming up (these singles are in 'sort of' order because I needed to separate them somehow, and they're by label basically). The times of block parties with 38 man bands and everyone going crazy is long gone. This is more dead Go Go music. They drop science about how Go Go started in the song though. I don't really care.
Status: No Keep. Go Go your ass right out of my record collection.
