Short Attention Span Reviews

Reviews of a single song by a band. All songs taken from the AMP sampler from the Apr/May issue:

1. Goldenboy "The Challenge" - If I played a round of "What would you rather do" with myself, 'Take a shit in your pants, then sit in a late 70's model Cadillac with all leather interior with all the windows rolled up in 90 degree heat for 45 minutes' would be completely tied with 'Listen to an entire Goldenboy CD.

2. A Wilhelm Scream "Famous Friends & Fashion Drunks" - Fast melodic punk with gruff vocals in the vein of HWM and Avail. Not bad, but I'm not sure why anyone besides Frat boys listen to this shit anymore.

3. Autopilot Off "What I Want" - Ahhh yes, music that gives homosexuals a bad name. For people who think Three Doors Down is too hardcore.

4. Here Kitty Kitty "Lucy Grey" - Grrrrrl Rock. I wasnt aware girls still made music like this. Sounds exactly like an old Tuscadero song. It's pretty good but I wouldn't openly advertise being into this.

5. A Jealousy Issue "Whoe Crucified The Chaperone" - Wow. It's like some dude showed a bunch of pop punk jerkoffs some metal riffs and showed them some pictures of metal being played, but didnt let them listen to any metal. This is beyond garbage. If you're over 15 and male and caught listening to this you should be viciously stabbed. Only the second band ever to win a coveted "worse than Atreyu" award.

6. Stereotyperider "Jumping Someone Else Train" - I remember this not being bad, but nothing i'd normally listen to. Cant remember what it sounded like though. ill be damned if im moving three feet to put the CD on either.

7. The National Acrobat "The Raleigh" - I think the only band I already knew of off this. This is one of the better TNA songs. Probably in the top 3.

8. The Beautiful Mistake "This is WHo You Are" - I assume shitty singers start all these bands that require lots of singing, but the singer cant actually sing. Thats why they dont get kicked out. Music is like being masturbated with sandpaper.

9. Killing The Dream "Picking Up The Pieces" - Kind of like if Shai Hulud played more straightforward shit. It sounds like that Another Breath band Kyle played me. I think they're on the same label actually. I can imagine Kyle and people resembling Kyle to be into this.

10. XlookignforwardX "Tuning You Out" - Theres no reason for a band this generic to have such a weak guitar sound and still get national exposure. It sounds like these dudes coudlnt even headline locally. What the fuck are they doing on this? Terrible.

11. Bottles & SKulls "Black Wedding" - I liked this a lot. The singer sounds like the dude from the b-52s if he had a G0th effect on his voice. The music is real old and retro creepy sounding. Kind of like TSOL without the punk rock. I'd actually like a copy of this entire CD.

12. The Green Goblyn Project "The Blood SPattered Bridge" - Man, AFI gets big and these horror punk bands pop up everywhere. I dont know, i fucking hate AFI, so fuck these guys too.

13. 100 Demons "Time Bomb" - I will admit this sounds about a gazillion times better than they do live, but they're still BROing it down pretty hard on this. Normally I wouldnt mind this, but the same people who are into this are the same people who make fun of me for liking Hatebreed, so fuck everybody.

14. Unearth "Black Hearts Will Reign" - Theres a bunch of loosely related metal parts and a chug breakdown. Thats like Unearths whole career. I have nothing else.

15. Kilowatthours "King" - This is that emo type music no one plays anymore. I cant really hate onit because its refreshing after hearing bullshit like The Starting Line. The singer need to give Jeremy Enigk his voice back though.

16. Audio Karate "Jesus is Alive and Well" - While I do commend these guys using a band name that should be reserved for bad college joke bands or bar rock douchebags, they're still one duet with Santana away from being the next Matchbox 20. There is nothing punk rock about this shit at all.

17. The Weight "Dragged Back In" - oh boy, an alt country. Thats the second one ive been tricked into listening to this week.

18. Black Cross "Roll Up Your Sleeves" - You know, I can live more comfortably knowing the dude from Endpoint will be singing in some sort of band until the day I die. I mean, not only was I alive when Endpoint wa sa band, but I was into hardcore, and right now that seems like 30 years ago. Even BTGOG seems like ancient history. I dont know. this is more shit that doesnt sound like Endpoint.

19. The Matches "Chain Me Free" - Sitcom Punk. If you like other underground punk bands like Sugar Ray and the composers of the theme music to Dawsons Creek, you'll be into The Matches. Why dont you go ahead and throw a toaster into a bathub full of water and jump in while you're at it.

20. The Start "The 1234" More Grrrrl rock. Unfortunately, this sounds more like that last Tuscadero record which wasnt too good. I still would encourage girls to listen to this over that fag metal shit.

21. Caffiends "Proximity Effect" - Wow, by the name i figured pop punk and by the promo shot i figured bowling team, but these guys fucking pound. It's like if Early Cave In decided not to be metalcore and play more technical noisecore instead. I knwo its hard to imagine, but this one song rules. I'm hopign all their shit sounds like this. Highlight of the CD (besdies Bottles & Skulls)

22. The Gamits "Dotted lines" - forgetable punkish rock music. I forgot already.

23. J Church "Keep Smiling America" - J Church has been a hardcore accepted indie rock band since i was a little kid. He still does music im not into, but i definitely give him credit for doing the same music for longer than most of these new kids knew this music existed. The only reason hes not poontang famous is because he's ugly and ethnic. Damn shame.