Unicorns are kickass

So I was planning on writing three stories in here today, but I decided one of them is way too long and complicated to explain. One of the other two isn't even a story, it's more like an observation too. Anyhoo, the short version of the long complicated one is that The Fat Lady Who Sometimes Calls Me Tom is so fat she has to move this envelope opening machine back farther than it's supposed to go so she can fit her gut into the small space where it's kept to use it.

Other story:

The other day at work, one of the computers was fucking up. More like the software was fucking up. The software is real glitchy. I don't know this because I'm a computer nerd or anything, I know this because my supervisor called them up at some point and they admitted that the software is glitchy.
Well, the software was fucking up and there was like four people huddled around the computer panicing because they had no clue what was going on. The two best excuses/reasons they had for the computer fucking up were:

1. The computer is tired and it needs a rest. (for real)
2. When the computer tech guy came in to fix the other computer the other day, he took the wire that connects the printer to the computer and kept it for reasons unknown, even though there was definitely a cable running from the printer into the computer in plain sight. (for realy real.)

The Dumb Observation:

Judging by the stink that wafts up into my apartment, my lesbian neighbors make Ass Stew for dinner every night. They also seem to be lesbian friends with each other who have different lesbian girlfriends. This could be way kinky and an awesome Penthouse letter, but they're all butch like whoa.
The Ass Stew thing though. I think it's a different type of ass stew every night. Today it smelled like garlic they found in the garbage, and yesterday it smelled like a warm diaper.